On antidepressants

 It's been two months and I can't say with certainty if I'm getting better after being on Cymbalta (I'm taking the generic version) for two months with Hydroxyzine for anxiety. The first one is making an effect in me, I can tell, although this is hard to describe, the second one I don't take it as much because I get very sleepy and lethargic, so I take it only when I have a hard time with insomnia .

Some of my symptoms are fading away slowly but in pace, but some are still very much present;

• I don't feel as hopeless, but still feel some sadness
• I still feel melancholic; I feel the need to connect with my past (the ephemeral, fleeting good moments and times I lived as a child and as an adolescent) 
• I am still in low spirits, although these vanish as soon as I see or hear about Baby Sloan, my Princess. I am crying right now tears of happiness, just thinking about her, since I haven't seen her since August 27 when we took her to the Zoo and the River bank water spot where she had so much fun, She's visiting her other set of Grandparents in Florida now.

I'm planning to tale a LOA from work for about a month and a half or maybe two, if everything goes as planned.

We'll see.😢😢

Dealing with Depression and anxiety . July 4th, 2023.

Today I've got confirmation that I have what I have been telling myself for at least a couple of years. I have a form of depression and anxiety.I utilized Dr On Demand as I have done before. It was with doctor Bo Wu, a psyquiatry doctor. Dr Wu said, during this morning consultation that I would need more help to deal with this depression and prescribed some light doses of antidepressant Duloxetine (Cymbalta) normally used for Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)and musculoskeletal pain, and Hydroxyzine HCL 25mg for anxiety and insomnia. I went to my pharmacy at Walart on Austin Hwy to pick up the medications, then went to eat at Popeye's Chicken, I took my sweet time there, then went across the street to Goodwill store and something werid happenned. While I was browsing the few books on the shelves, this lady, whom I've never seen approached me from behind and said "looks like not many people read books anymore, judging by how empty these shelves look". I has seen her with corner of my eye and I replied that, well, is either that or people have bought a lot of these books, because, - I continued- last time I was here about a month ago, these shelves were full and employees could not find room to stock more of them. Then, the same lady who looked white, tall, with a motherly look and friendly smile asked me. "are you a philosophical person? And that caught me by surprise and I smiling replied, "ha, no, I wouldn't think that of myself, I like to read all genres including philosophy but I cannot understand, let alone digest philosophy, but I still like to read it. Then she started to get too close to me and put her hands on my crossed arms and said are you going through some kind of therapy, like with a psychologist or a counselor?, I'm sorry I don't know why I'm asking these questions, I am a nurse and also a psychic and I just sense that you're going through some pain, you don;t have to tell me anything, it's just that I see this aura over you. Are you a Christian, a catholic? I don't know but. . .wooooh (and she stepped a litle bit away, about three feet, and said "I see that the person who hurt you is trying to get near you, but you are blocking him, he wants to hug you but you don't let him near you". "I lost my husband to Covid a year and a half ago and I've found peace through meditation, yu shpud try it, it's like this, she stepped away again after having rested one of her hands on my still-crossed arms. I'm going to pause this narrative momentarily here, to point out that throughout these encounter I never felt threathened, even though she, at times got so close to my face that I could feel her breath right on my mouth and nose, but curiously, it was a clean and inodorous breath, her stance was never menacing, just the opposite, her presence was calming and disarming, I felt like I could trust her (?) I gasp, as I say this, I realize. I am either, a sucker for people that talk to me like that (because, a psycholigist would say that I am a person starving for love or friendship) and prone to be gullible and can fall victim to predatory behaviors of others. I don't know why, but I conceded that I had consuted -precisely today, no less- a psychiatrist to help me come to terms with some depression and anxiety issues. At one point, she asked me "Am I scaring you? Am I making you uncomfortable? and I answer yes, this is all too weird and yes I'm feeling I little uncomfortable talking to a stranger about personal things. She then said I'm sorry, but I've never met you and yet I felt the need to talk to you, I'm sorry that I'm making feel uncomfortable, I'll leave and as I walk away I'm just going to dissolve in the air and . . . she starts laughing and made me also laugh, that was funny, and designed to break the tension. I also noted that while I was talking to this lady, there was people walking near and around us both and never looked at us or say anything like "excuse me" to gain access to the book shelves that this lady and I were sort of blocking, I kept looking at other people to see if they would notice something weird, but it was as if we were invisible to their eyes. Weird. Now, she asked me if I had been traumatized as an adult or when I was a child and feeling that she was trustworthy (don't ask me why) I answered that it was as a child. She asked me then if the abuse had come from an uncle or . . . and I interupted her and said that I didn't want to say more and she said "okay, that's perfectly okay, I understand". At one point she said "Well, I dont have holy water buy I'm going to try my best to sever the dark aura that it's clinging to your back, it's been there for a long time, she made a motion as if to go into her purse that was in the shopping cart next to her but than as if getting a new idea, she said "I'm going to use my imaginary circular saw and cut off that black thing behind you and she made some motions behinf my back and she then said, "it's almost all gone but you are going to have to help me, and thought I'm not going to do anythinh that would look stupid and ridiculous in the middle of a Goodwill store. She then said that she felt like crying and that made me feel like I wanted to cry as well, so I said, "I got to go", she then said "You blame your mother right? Because she knew of the buse and she did nothing to stop it, right? At this moment I looked around, because I felt that she was reading my mind, she -pretty much- was getting inside my mind and I could not stop her from doing it, and so I said, "sorry I've got to go". And as I started to walked away, she said I'm going to pray for you. You are going to be okay, you are going to find peace after all these years, I just know it" I left and never looked back, exit the store, got in my car and drove home. While driving I tried to understand what had just happenned. What made that lady, a total stranger approach me and start debriefing me, with no right to do so? Was she really a psychic? Was I giving out some signals that made open to be read inside out? But, how can a person read another person thought's, did I fall for some weird prank? Was I the victim of a well-played prank? I must say that I took my first dose of the antidepressant just before going to eat. Was that encounter a product of my imagination? Was it real? Was that a byproduct of the medication, not likely, it takes time to take effect. Well, I'll stop here but I may come back later.

Is this depression?

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Scared by a dog

I love dogs, really, but not while bike riding. I had this experience a few months ago. I was minding my own business, listening to my iPod when this medium size mutt charge at me from the right side, coming from behind a wall. It barked and charged at me, I panicked and this prevented me from pedaling hard, it was like one of those nightmares you have as a child, where some big and dark cloud or mass threatens to swallow you and your legs do not respond to your mental commands to run as fast as you are capable (fright, no flight) and so I just stopped and I couldn't even speak out to say "NO!". 

Then, oh surprise!, the pooch just wanted to play and started licking my legs and hands and standing on his hind legs, it was like he was asking me to give him a ride on my bike. I, after breathing with relief and calming myself down, took some pics. Beautiful dog it was. But I am still sort of traumatized, I get nervous and anxious when I hear a dog barking near me while biking.

Omen?

 I just don't know what to make of it but I definitely need to make note of it.

I am sure there's a word or name for it but without doubt, it cannot be a merely coincidence.

I usually don't watch movies ( was in Netflix or any other platform) for a number of reasons, two of which are; I get bored rather quickly, and just contemplating the commitment to sit still for two hours doesn't appeal to me, so would rather grab a book or continue reading one already started.

Anyways, today since it was my day off from work and the day too hot and humid to go ride my bike, I decided to explore Netflix and HBO Max and found out that Papillon the original film is scheduled to be pulled from rotation at the end of May and I remember that I read the book three years ago, I sit to watch it.

But before I started playing Papillon, I watched the first 32 minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) and didn't like it but the first scenes depict the apes and some tapirs roaming. Also strange -to me, anyway- is the appearance of the Monolith and the scene is pretty similar to the photos published in the news media a few months ? ago.

I have not seen tapir in years in all probability. Then I started watching Papillon, and oh surprise, there's a scene where Papi and Dugas are working in a muddy lagoon and there's some tapir there as well.

So, tapir in two movies that I have never seen in my 60 years of existence? 

Well, that's not all, right now it's almost midnight on May 26, 2021. After going to the store and getting water and some groceries, I sit in my desk and watch a video from this modern adventurer named Shiey a train hopper that records his escapes and posts in YouTube and Reddit, his videos are on my feed because I am subscribed to his channel, so he posted a new videos after a number of months of total silence. In this new trip by cargo train to Bosnia and Herzegovina there's a moment in minute 23:29 where Shiey captures a seemed weak butterfly and lets loose while the train speeds away.

Now I turn my computer off and start watching the second half of Papillon and then I witness yet another coincidental scene. Papillon, after being set out from solitary confinement is in recovery at the Sanatorium, he grabs an also seemed weak grasshopper and lets it loose out of the room.

What is it? What is this? Is somebody watching me? Am I getting too paranoid? Algorithms? No, how can that be actual? No, there's got to be something else in play here, and I need to figure it out.

News Flash! Walmart will require customers to wear face masks starting July 20th.

Wow! Astounding , embarrassing, stupefying. Walmart have resolved to "enforce" on customers to wear face masks starting next Monday, July 20th, more on the quotes around the enforcing word.

According to the media, quoting Walmart US Chief Operating Officer Dacona Smith "To help bring consistency across stores and Sam's Clubs, we will require all shoppers to wear a face covering starting on Monday, July 20th"

Retailers struggled to enforce mask requirements, which has sparked violent confrontations between customers and employees. A security guard at a Family Dollar store in Michigan was fatally shot in May after he told a customer to wear a mask, and furthermore, confrontations captured in numerous witnesses video between angry customers and employees trying to enforce such rules have gone viral.
What irks me is when Walmart and other major retailers big honchos say that the hesitation to enforce  such mandates is over concerns of antagonizing shoppers, but that is just another way of saying that "we don't want to jeopardize losing the profit that is to be made everyday, yes, always after the mighty dollar.
Give me a break!
It remains to be seen Walmart declining to let a person into the store who refuses to wear a mask, hence the "enforcing a mandate" declaration.
I have been enforcing these rules with zero exceptions, just the last three days. two in my store and one in the Floresville, Tx. I have asked people to step out of my sales floor at my Vision Center, when they refused to wear the mask to cover mouth and nose. Another young woman who answer no to all the screening questions (favorably to her), but mentioned to me that she had just dropped her brother in a clinic to get tested for COVID-19 after showing most known symptoms, according to her, he had unusual headaches, sore throat, muscle pains and losing the sense of tase and smell. So I denied her entry to my Vision Center in an abundance of safety, She was very understanding and didn't make a scene unlike the others.
One lady that Christian was waiting on, kept sliding the mask down to her chin and mouth but leaving her nose fully exposed, when I told Christian to asker to pull her mask up, she refused and I asked Christian to let her out, she comply unhappy.
Another lady being helped by Sandy, took off her mask completely. while trying some frames. as soon as I notice I dropped what I was doing and rushed to Sandy's desk and excusing myself I said "Ma'am, I need you to keep your mask in at all time while you are her, please" She comply.
Now, these enforcing rules to wear a face coverings for the rest of the store, validates what a lot of us. Vision Center Managers have been claiming for, which is to deny entry to the store to anyone that refuses to abide by such rules. What I tell my staff is that I am not after the sale and the profit, my goal is to keep my business, healthy and not contribute to the pandemic, after being told in the last week conference call that a number of Vision Centers have reported having one or more associates testing positive to the Coronavirus. My health and that of my co-workers is top priority now more than ever, and I tell my associates that, "if in doubt, don't". Treat any customer/patient respectfully but act accordingly as if such person is carrying the virus and is asymptomatic. Better to be safe than sorry. For all I know you may not even realize your mistake and say "I'm sorry".

Noise

Noise a vexation to my soul. And not just to my soul, but for my state of mind. I need to read and complete some quizzes but I can not focus while I hearing my wife listening to a loud selection of music and singing along in the kitchen. I don't have the heart to tell her to turn it off, I think I'll just wait here. Today is Friday June 26, 2020. Still living (if you can call it living) under the COVID-19 pandemic, people are still getting infected and in a much faster rate, just when some of us thought that we were on the way out of it.
I'm stressed out, not just by the pandemic, work conditions at Walmart, inner demons, and still dealing with trauma issues.
I can't go outside and ride my bike, which is my way of dissipating all bad and negative thoughts and stress-inducing worries, because it's raining.
I like the music Anamaria is listening now, only I'm not in the mood for it. I need silence, silence, silence. I enjoy solitude and quietness immensely. I thought I was going to be by myself at home today, it turns out she didn't have to go to work neither.
If I had a laptop, I could get in the car and drive somewhere to do my studying in peace.
I wonder if the Book Cellar is open right now.